Ch-ch-ch-changes, or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Desitin

So it has been suggested (ordered) that I, Ray Barnett, New Father Extraordinare, write a blog entry about how things have changed in my own day-to-day. Well, I'm usually not very well equipped to express myself verbally, but I'll do my best to ham-fist something here. You know, enough monkeys bangin' on typewriters, Shakespeare and all that.

So I've been taken hostage. Or maybe abducted. That's probably closer to accurate. This small, wrinkly, pink, squeaky, squishy little alien has zapped me with some sort of mind- and life-altering raygun that I'm sure she has stashed away somewhere. Thought I saw a hint of a shiny barrel under her little white crib one night. She sucked me up in a white beam of light into her sweet little Hello Kitty flying saucer hovering over our home late one night, and thence whisked me away to this strange, terrifying and odd-smelling new world. I think it is named "Dottir"...not sure of the spelling, but that word is bandied about often nowadays.

This new world is, as I mentioned, terrifying. Not "Saw IV meets Frankenstein" terrifying, but more like the "Wow this roller coaster sure is fun HOLY CRAP THE TRACK IS MISSING UP AHEAD DOES ANYONE ELSE SEE THAT OH NO WHAT'RE WE GONNA DO WE'RE GONNA DIE GREAT NOW I NEED TO CHANGE MY SHORTS!!!!" sort of scary. It is a world of pink and hair bows and sunflower-butted onesies and diapers. Oh dear, sweet Lord the diapers. And I think she has a small black hole as an internal power source, because she eats like there must be one inside her. Her ability to consume formula might be though of as inexorable, persistent and awe-inspiring, all the words that accurately describe a black hole. So I think my theory is at the very least plausible. And oh, what she can do to all that formula. Did I mention the diapers?

And then there's the hair. This is just further proof of her alien lineage since it most definitely has a mind of its own. No infant should have this much hair, nor should it have the ability to reach out and try to strangle you when you're not looking. And that's why the hair bows are such a critical part of this strange new world, as they help tame the wildness that can become disheveled so quickly you'd swear it was her super power. Truly, it's out of this world...see? Alien.

Remember I mentioned the mind- and life-altering raygun earlier? Well I KNOW it's a reality because I still feel its effects every time I look at her. I get this overwhelming feeling of love, protectiveness and absolute completion whenever she looks at me with those perfect, blue eyes. And her smiles? Forget about it. Such reactions can only be further proof of the after-effects of her using that raygun on me. Her tears move me to make everything right for her, to see to it she has whatever she needs to feel happy and smile for me once more. Only a truly advanced, hyper-powerful alien technology could create such a profound change in a man so quickly. I'm thinking of contacting the Air Force to see if they have any unidentified radar tracks for the area surrounding Northern Virginia during the afternoon of July 9 of this year. I'll get back to you all with my findings.

I think perhaps I should stop for now, since I don't want to give her and her strange other-worldly people that come from this planet "Dottir" any clue that I'm on to them and their alien-ness. Seems she wishes to be held, fed and changed again. And Lord help me, I can't think of one single thing I'd rather do, now or ever again. True, her power is ubiquitous and manifest, but I wouldn't change a thing about this new life, this new world she's made for me. I'm truly honored just to have been chosen to be a part of her world, despite the strange and mysterious way she brought me, a mere mortal human man, into it. Perhaps one day I'll be able to express to her my gratitude and unending love for her choosing me to zap with her powerful, alien raygun. But for now, I have a small pink hand squeezing my finger, two crystal blue eyes looking into mine, asking for a bottle without saying a word. Seems she's psychic as well. The evidence is really starting to add up...